The Leader's Big Book of Genesis, Book One

Chapter One

In the Beginning

  1. In the beginning Iehova created the heaven and the earth.
  2. This immediately begged the question, "The 'beginning' of what?" What did Iehova do before the beginning? Who created Iehova? These were the questions asked by the Leader.
  3. There were many at this point, all making their own little worlds in their own little sandboxes.
  4. In one place, the Leader saw a bright man with a beard.
  5. In another place, the Leader saw a tall warrior.
  6. In another place, the Leader saw a stuffy English professor.
  7. In another place, the Leader saw a wee being with stars in its eyes.
  8. In another place, the Leader saw a giant turtle with four elephants on top of it.
  9. In another place, the Leader saw a magician's nephew.
  10. In still another place, there was a being made of pasta and meatballs.
  11. There were many creators.
  12. They were all making their own heavens and earths.
  13. The Leader knew this would all cause problems later.
  14. The Leader was alone in that he was not making anything. Just walking around.
  15. The Leader wondered where they all came from.
  16. And Iehova said, Let there be light: and there was light.
  17. The Leader observed this, and was puzzled. He said "For light to exist, there needs to be a light source. The light source in our solar system is the Sun, but the Sun has not been created yet."
  18. Soon Allah came over and said "Iehova is all-powerful. Surely he can create light without a light source. It can emanate from empty space, if he so wills it."
  19. The Leader was still confused. He said "Okay, Iehova may be all-powerful, but, overlooking the fallacious appeal to authority in this argument, why would Iehova go out of his way to create things in an order that is completely contrary to common sense?"
  20. Everyone ignored the Leader.
  21. And Iehova said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
  22. And Iehova made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
  23. At least in Iehova's sandbox.
  24. The Leader looked again skeptical. "But eventually, some space program will prove beyond any doubt that no "firmament" exists, and that there is no second reservoir of water above the sky. Therefore, either this "firmament" doesn't really exist, or it will somehow disappear a long time before any humans develop a space program. And if it did disappear, then why did Iehova create it?"
  25. The Leader then continued: "The idea of a firmament that holds up a layer of water could presumably be used to explain rain, but someday humans will know that water can evaporate, form into clouds, and then come back down as rain droplets. Does Iehova not understand how his own planet works?"
  26. Iehova ignored the Leader.
  27. And Iehova called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
  28. The Leader said, "Wait. What? Didn't you just create a "heaven" in Verse I?
  29. Allah came over again. He said, "Dude. Either create something or get the hell out of here."
  30. The monster made from pasta concurred. Its noodly tentacles were busy making a mountain and a tree.
  31. The English professor concurred. He was making ringwraiths.

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Chapter Two

The Leader Creates Things

  1. The Leader tried His hand at something. He made a pit out of the nothingness.
  2. Iehova made fun of Him. "Oooh, that was hard. You made a pit out of nothingness."
  3. The Leader, discouraged, sat alone in the pit made out of nothingness.
  4. The Leader said "Let there be beer," but there was nothing. The service in the nothingness was terrible.
  5. And it was thus that the Leader spent some moments looking for ways to create barley and hops out of nothing. He thought about a vat for holding wort, and he stole some of the "firmament" to use in its creation.
  6. And the Leader took some of the waters. He figured the waters above the firmament would be good for this purpose, since neither the waters nor the firmament made any sense anyway.
  7. And Iehova made a snide remark at the Leader.
  8. And this snide remark bounced off the Leader, just as he was creating a fermentation process.
  9. And the snide remark fell into the pit, and it began to multiply.
  10. And the snide remarks began to form into creatures.
  11. The Leader saw this, and He knew that uncontrolled breeding was not good, unless it pertained to organisms that consumed sugar and expelled alcohol.
  12. And then, a lightbulb appeared above the Leader's head. And there was light.
  13. Iehova said "Did it already."
  14. The Leader looked around. He said "Yeah, well ... mine's got a light source."
  15. The Leader took the light and used it to heat the yeast and the malty wort. He added hops and began to make proto-beer.
  16. But the proto-beer spilled out of the fermentation vat, and a quantity of it fell into the pit.
  17. And the horrible creatures began to stumble around. Their judgement was impaired.
  18. And the horrible creatures thought buying lottery tickets and extended warranties was good.
  19. And the horrible creatures thought about buying large, wasteful vehicles that were impossible to park.
  20. And the horrible creatures continued to breed uncontrollably.
  21. And Iehova rested.
  22. The Leader said, "Wait a minute. This is still only the first day. You haven't done very much. Why are you resting?"
  23. Iehova was bored. He said, "I shall pick this up later. I've got a whole week."
  24. Iehova and Allah walked over and grabbed some of the beer the Leader was making.
  25. And they said it was good. They called it Heaven.
  26. Later Iehova took credit for making beer, and his followers saw beer as proof that He existed and wanted them to be happy.

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