Leader Manifesto

Of course you have questions. Everybody does. None of us want to step blindly into a new religious movement (well almost none of us...).

  • Who is this Leader?
  • What is he on about?
  • Why are all these people ready to worship him?
  • Where is my beer?

The Leader stands for some common tenents, which make some good sense to a lot of people. These are themes so common in every day life, that you may already be worshipping him, and don't even know it.

The first is the great scourge of minivans in the world. Large brutish machines lumbering across our roads and parking lots, these monsters guzzle fuel and provide little to the single occupants other than a plethora of blind spots and some spongy braking systems.

Hand-in-hand with the minivan menace is the problem of rampant and irresponsible breeding going on. Just because you can have kids, does that mean you have to have dozens of the little tykes? Sure, we all like the idea of having someone look after us in our old age, and it's fun to continue the old legacy down through the generations, but go easy, OK? Just because your boys can swim doesn't mean they have to reach the far side ... know what I mean?

There's a growing problem of fundamentalist religions in this world. We're becoming more and more polarized in our views, and poor Mr. Science is beginning to lose out to those Creationist punks and their ID cronies. Leader hates this kind of crap, and wants it stopped. So it may sound a little ironic that he started a cult, right? Wrong. This cult is an attempt to draw people away from these other creeds -- to dilute them, if you will, with something no one can take seriously. If you're at all serious about the Leader and really think he's some kind of god -- well, we don't want you.

Ah, who are we kidding, we'd be thrilled to have you with us. Just buy lots of stuff and leave us alone.

And on that note, the Leader is anything but serious. He's a trouble-causing mischief-maker, and he's into anything which gets him in trouble with the status quo. Oh, nothing bad, like murdering anyone. Leader's intentions are not to hurt anyone ... or help anyone. He's just here to get in the way of things. Kind of like the mythical figure of Puck, or the mythical figure of Jesus. See, there he goes again, causing trouble.

Which brings us to Leader's big thing. Beer. The cause of and solution to all of life's big woes. That fine malt beverage makes everyone a little happier (though it makes the occasional person angry and violent -- figure that out). It eases inhibitions, brings nations together, and tastes like manna. Where would we be without it? On the wagon -- that's where. And no one wants to be on that ride.

So here it is, in a nutshell:

  1. Beer = good
  2. Minivans = bad
  3. Rampant breeding = fine for rabbits, bad for humans
  4. Religion = crazy (yes, it is a little ironic)
  5. Mischief = good, so long as no one gets hurt

So, we cool?

Required Reading

Of course you didn't think we'd start a cult without some kind of promotional materials, did you. We're not idiots! Here, read these things, and get back to us later:

The Leader's Big Book of Genesis, Book One - Written as witnessed by an omnipotent third party narrator with a flair for the dramatic. Taught in the Biblical style that so many of us grew up with. Yes, it's pretty cumbersome.

The General Epistle of Corporal Punishment - Written as witnessed by Corporal Punishment and Number One. Taught in an even more cumbersome Biblical style.

Catskills Valedictory Address 1999 - Leader found this somewhere and figured we all might learn from it. Hey, we never said you had to be "not ignorant" to worship the Leader. Just be yourself.

The Leader FAQ - Wise words from the Leader himself as he answers some of the most Frequently Asked Questions. Like "What is the meaning of life?" and "How would you like a nice Hawaiian punch?"