The Leader's FAQ
As a Magnificent and Omnipotent Leader, I get asked many questions. Here I will answer for you, my adoring followers, some of the most commonly asked questions.
1. Who is this Magnificent Leader?
2. Why should I follow the Leader?
3. What does the Leader stand for?
4. What Plan does the Leader have for the Future?
5. Why is the Leader the Leader, and not someone else the Leader, huh Leader?
6. What do individual members do?
7. What Commitments do members make and do they make vows?
9. Are members involved in politics?
10. How can I find a Leader Worship Center near me?
11. Why do some say you're a cult?
12. Who is the Leader of your Church?
13. Do worshipers perform ritual sacrifices?
14. Do worshipers have a special handshake?
15. Why is Worshipping the Leader better than Watching TV?
16. How much is an acceptable donation?
![[HUZZAH]](images/leaderwebringban.jpg)
1. Who is this magnificent Leader?
The Leader (i.e. me) is a benevolent and omnipotent spiritual and personal advisor. Born of humble and mortal parents, He was raised into the fine specimen that he now is. Nurtured into fulfilling his foretold destiny by his Number One and Corporal Punishment while enslaved in the back corner of the deepest parts of humanities reach, they followed him out into the world, towards a great destiny which is yet to be discovered in full.
2. Why should I follow the Leader?
Well, I can think of many reasons why you should be following me, the Leader. It's healthy, and good for you, I won't beat you up in front of the teeming millions, It's also terrific fun, perhaps summed up with two words "Beer Baptismal". The followers of the Leader are not the stuffy types you see following others, we are much more free with our expressions, and therefore much more fun to be with.
3. What does the Leader stand for?
The Leader stands because he is a biped and that is natural for him. [chuckle] No, seriously folks, the Leader stands for freedom, fun and beer, and other sorts of neo-hippy type of desires, as Corporal Punishment so eloquently put it "To be Sensible Radicals". And maybe an occasional butt plug.
4. What Plan does the Leader have for the Future?
The Leader is always thinking ahead to the future. Current plans involve assimilating the Church of the Subgenius, destroying the minivan culture, and sending the lawyers back to Xenu.
5. Why is the Leader the Leader, and not someone else the Leader, huh Leader?
Prophecy, dumbass! During the great Exodus from the Pit of Humanity into the World, the Leader fought and led bravely out into the cold, harsh and dangerous world, which was still nicer than the Pit from whence the Leader, Number One and Corporal Punishment arose.
6. What do individual members do?
So little is required of individual members, that it can easily become an enjoyable part of your day. Damning the accursed owners of mini vans to their doom is tops on the list. Plus mischief against the the imbeciles of society are terrific ways to show your appreciation of the Leader. A good example would be to visit model subdivision homes (you know, the type with 1000 houses and 2 designs) and crank up the heat or air conditioning, turn on the stove... anything to make the electric bill large and the house uncomfortable. Use your imagination, just don't hurt anyone. Remember, we're talking mischief, not criminal mischief.
7. What commitments do members make and do they make vows?
Commitments are small and vows are easy to maintain. Essentially you vow to worship the Leader in whatever way is best at the time, be it to drink a beer (or several beers), or shaking your fist in anger at a wanker driving a minivan. Simple suggestions to show your affiliation and make your life much better.
Well, I'm not about to publish a list of who is following me, I mean, come on, do you really think I need to give my ego that much of a blow job?? I've got my own cult for crying out loud! You can be as vocal or quiet a member as you wish.
9. Are members involved in politics?
C'mon, do I look in any way Amish to you?
10. How can I find a Leader Worship Centre near me?
There are plans in the works to have a Leader Worship Centre on every block in every city. You can see the proposed spot by finding what most people would call a 'Fire Hydrant'. These are actually cleverly designed surveying markers for use later on in the future.
11. Why do some say you're a cult?
Well, I guess there are two ways of looking at it:
1) They are right, and
2) They are Wankers.
Perhaps both are right, perhaps both are wrong. That is up to YOU to decide (and also, to stop forest fires).
12. Who is the Leader of your church?
I am, dumbass. Why do you think I'm called "The Leader"?! And don't call it a church. It's more like a club.
13. Do worshipers perform ritual sacrifices?
Only of their livers, and even that is only a bit of alcohol whenever you can squeeze it in. . . Nothing serious. They do occasionally pray at the porcelain altar, if you know what I mean.
14. Do worshipers have a special handshake?
Yes. I mean, no. Well, maybe. We do have a secret high-sign.
15. Why is Worshipping the Leader better than Watching TV?
Well, for one, while worshipping the Leader, you are out actually DOING something, as opposed to sitting in your rec room staring blankly at an inanimate object.
16. How much is an acceptable donation?
Seriously? You want to give me money? [chuckle] Well, for starters, anything you can afford or any beer you can spare. Everything is completely and 100% not tax deductible.
I don't know. Maybe click 10 times on my Google Adwords, for penance. Each time you don't drink a beer, or each minivan you buy, or each kid you have, click a bunch of times on the Adwords. That way, I'll at least have a little beer money.
Ooh, or buy some merchandise. Get yourself a Leader mug or something.
One thing that does not cost you any money and yet is most useful, is to join the Cyantians in the Seti At Home Project.
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