Leader Pumpkin Project

Hey there, all you ghouls and goblins! And the rest of you. It's time to learn you how to carve a Leader pumpkin! These make great Halloween gifts and are sure to raise some hell at any party. They've also been known to incite riotous behaviour and drinking binges! HUZZAH!

It's the Leader Pumpkin, folks!

The first thing you'll need is a pumpkin of one kind or another. Remember, the bigger the pumpkin, the more collateral damage it will cause when thrown at a minivan.

This here's a pumpkin

You'll also need some incidental tools. Some good examples are prayer stones, sacrificial knives, flash rom cards, digital cameras, bundles of gore from unsuspecting backpackers, candles, matches, a spoon to scoop out the minivan dr-- er, pumpkin innards, and beer... lots and lots of beer.

Each Death Shrine is different.

You'll need some really sharp knives, too. Remember that. Knives. Sharp ones. And please... Get a parent to help you.

Knives. Sharp knives.

Start by selecting a graven image of your favourite cult icon. Make sure that the image has a good mix of positive and negative space. If necessary, reduce the brightness of the image and increase the contrast until a good, usable image is made. Then print it out on your company's laser printer, making sure there are several other copies left over. If possible, write the words "Leader Jack-O-Lantern Template" on them so that others may create their own Leader pumpkin.

Pick from a selection of cult icons

Step 1:(see below) Affix the Leader Template to what will be the front of the pumpkin. Choose the most appropriate side: It is important to select the flattest side, and the side with the fewest blemishes and nicks.

Affix the template to the pumpkin

Step 2:(see below) Gently prick around the borders of the image, until a "connect-the-dots" pattern emerges on the pumpkin's skin.

Prick yer pumpkin

Step 3:(see below) Cut out the image, hollow out the pumpkin, add the word "Leader", et Voilà. You're finished. Have a few beers and start being a nuisance.

And you're done.

The first thing to do with your new Leader pumpkin is to build a shrine for it. Some place in the front foyer is good. If you are buddhist, and already have a shrine, substitute the Leader pumpkin for some of the oranges. It's orange after all. Most people won't even notice. Remember the only difference between "pumpkin pie" and "orange pie" is the word "pumpkin".

Here is a good example of a shrine.

Speaking of shrines, check out this mysterious image which proves that there are spirits out there that are attracted to spooky Leader pumpkins. The following image was taken of the shrine and you can just make out some kind of creepy daemonic presence to the left of the pumpkin. Scary, no?

Here be monsters.

Here is a digitally enhanced photo, showing an artist's conception of the demon itself. Looks like it's trying to worship the Leader. Thanks to Number1 for this magnificent job. It proves once and for all that those skeptical people are just full of crap and don't know what they're talking about. Notice the tiny beer bottle which is barely visible in the first image.

A digitally enhanced picture showing the demon.

Be sure to keep the pumpkin away from all pets, since it never seems to get along with them.

Pumpkin trying to get the dog.

And make sure that it's housebroken. Believe you and me, there ain't nothing worse than the smell of pumpkin urine.

Whole new meaning to the words "Canned Pumpkin"

Pretty soon, the Leader pumpkin will be rallying around the Leader banner, so to speak, and if you let it go, it will drum up support for the Leader. What better way to advertise the Leader than to have all the neighbourhood's pumpkins on your doorstep, drinking beer and being rowdy.

Night of the Drinking Pumpkins!

There you have it, folks. What a nice treat for next year's Halloween Party. Even Martha Stewart would be proud of you. Leader knows she's not an easy woman to please.

This could be the on the cover of HarrowSmith